Not A Blessing

4:52 PM Edit This 4 Comments »
I'm sitting here watching Oprah's Friday show where she has the table discussions with three other people. They briefly addressed the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident and the negative message being sent out to impressionable youth that it's "okay" to go back to an abuser. I listened while they read the police report/affidavit that was filed. It tore me from the present back to a Spring day 20 years ago. First, here's a copy of the affidavit: warning it's graphic.

The statement, excerpted below, indicates that Brown shoved Rihanna's head against the passenger door of his vehicle, punched her repeatedly in the face, and issued threatening remarks to her, including: "I'm going to beat the s--t out of you when we get home! You wait and see!'"

In addition, after Rihanna 'faked' a phone call to her assistant during the incident, in which she pretended to request the police to be called, Brown lashed out and said: "You just did the stupidest thing ever! Now I'm really going to kill you!"

Brown was driving a vehicle with Robyn F. as the front passenger on an unknown street in Los Angeles. Robyn F. picked up Brown's cellular phone and observed a three-page text message from a woman who Brown had a previous sexual relationship with.

"A verbal argument ensued and Brown pulled the vehicle over on an unknown street, reached over Robyn F. with his right hand, opened the car door and attempted to force her out. Brown was unable to force Robyn F. out of the vehicle because she was wearing a seat belt. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against he passenger window of the vehicle, causing an approximate one-inch raised circular contusion.

"Robyn F. turned to face Brown and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then drove away in the vehicle and continued to punch her in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand. The assault caused Robyn F.'s mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.

"Brown looked at Robyn F. and stated, 'I'm going to beat the s--t out of you when we get home! You wait and see!'"

The detective said she then used her cell phone to call her personal assistant, Jennifer Rosales, who did not answer.

"Robyn F. pretended to talk to her and stated, 'I'm on my way home. Make sure the police are there when I get there.'

"After Robyn F. faked the call, Brown looked at her and stated, 'You just did the stupidest thing ever! Now I'm really going to kill you!'

"Brown resumed punching Robyn F. and she interlocked her fingers behind her head and brought her elbows forward to protect her face. She then bent over at the waist, placing her elbows and face near her lap in [an] attempt to protect her face and head from the barrage of punches being levied upon her by Brown.

"Brown continued to punch Robyn F. on her left arm and hand, causing her to suffer a contusion on her left triceps that was approximately two inches in diameter and numerous contusions on her left hand.

"Robyn F. then attempted to send a text message to her other personal assistant, Melissa Ford. Brown snatched the cellular telephone out of her hand and threw it out of the window onto an unknown street.

"Brown continued driving and Robyn F. observed his cellular telephone sitting in his lap. She picked up the cellular telephone with her left hand and before she could make a call he placed her in a head lock with his right hand and continued to drive the vehicle with his left hand.

"Brown pulled Robyn F. close to him and bit her on her left ear. She was able to feel the vehicle swerving from right to left as Brown sped away. He stopped the vehicle in front of 333 North June Street and Robyn F. turned off the car, removed the key from the ignition and sat on it.

"Brown did not know what she did with the key and began punching her in the face and arms. He then placed her in a head lock positioning the front of her throat between his bicep and forearm. Brown began applying pressure to Robyn F.'s left and right carotid arteries, causing her to be unable to breathe and she began to lose consciousness.

"She reached up with her left hand and began attempting to gouge his eyes in an attempt to free herself. Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and then released her. While Brown continued to punch her, she turned around and placed her back against the passenger door. She brought her knees to her chest, placed her feet against Brown's body and began pushing him away. Brown continued to punch her on the legs and feet, causing several contusions.

"Robyn F. began screaming for help and Brown exited the vehicle and walked away. A resident in the neighborhood heard Robyn F.'s plea for help and called 911, causing a police response. An investigation was conducted and Robyn F. was issued a Domestic Violence Emergency Protective Order.

Well what I experienced was not nearing as bad as what Rihanna went through and it was the beginning of the end of my first marriage.

My ex-husband(referred to hereafter as eh) was/is an alcoholic and drug abuser. I loved him, or thought that I did, and even though we had awful drag down knock 'em around fights (he perforated my eardrum once)I stayed with him. This Spring day we had gone to the Northern part of the state to visit his father. It was getting late when we got there and he (eh)had been drinking beer all the way, it was a 2 1/2 hour trip. His father went to bed when the sun set and it had set. We were going to stay with his sister but when we got to her house she and her husband were gone. We waited around for awhile but then eh in his drunken stupidness demanded we go to see his father. No rationalizing with a drunk person. I thought if we got in the car and I drove around for awhile that he would pass out and I could get help later getting him in to his sister's house. He didn't pass out. He got mad, started hitting me yelling to take him to his father's. He slammed the car into park at which point I took the keys and threw them out the window. I saw where they went but he didn't. I got out of the car and started walking down the dirt road. He tackled me from behind and flipped me over. I couldn't get away. He sat on me, put his hands around my throat and began slamming my head into the dirt road while choking me. Only hearing a car coming stopped him. We both jumped up and when the car came around the corner the couple asked if we were having car trouble. We lied and said we had something blow out the window. I went and got the keys. I got in the car and went to his sister's which was about a half mile away. I left him to walk or do whatever the heck he wanted to. His sister was home by then and helped me inside and helped me clean up. I wasn't bruised on the face, never that. But I did have a concussion, should have seen a doctor, but didn't because I know that this sort of injury requires a report to the police. By the end of the weekend we had made up like we always did. I always took him back, wanted to believe that this time was different, that he would change. So young and so deep into denial.

Another time his sister was visiting us. She had become fed up with her husband and had come down to our house to get away for awhile. Same thing. We were drinking. He got drunk, then started acting like an ass. He was carrying on about something when I was trying to sleep so I got up and told him if he wouldn't go sleep somewhere else I would. He again pulled me down and was trying to choke me. I yelled for his sister to call the police. She did. I had enough red marks on my neck to get him arrested. He resisted and got a baton across his leg. Then the justice system being so great (read great sarcasm here) they called me the next day to tell me he had been released just as he was showing up at the door. I was so afraid he was gonna pound the crap out of me. He didn't. Long story short here is that I once again stayed with him. It wasn't until I was visiting his sister and my brother (they were married)that I found out I could get financial aid to return to school for my degree. I was an LPN at the time. I decided that it was time to make a decision. I wanted to do this, I still wanted eh but only if he could give up drinking. I went home, found him at one of his friend's house and laid it on the table. Come with me and quit drinking or we would get divorced. He said he wouldn't quit drinking. I went home, called a friend to come over as I packed all his things up and stuck them in the old beater VW van he had. I parked it at the end of the driveway. Forgot to say that I also had him give me the key to the house. He came back that night drunk as ever and wanted in. I told him to leave or I would call the police. He left. I was divorced withing 3 weeks.

I've seen him since then, several times. He hasn't changed in that he still drinks and does stupid things. I'm no longer in danger from him, though. I hurt so bad for women and children who are victims of abuse. It's an emotional battering as well as physical. You start to think that you aren't good enough, aren't smart enough. The abusers are so good at their manipulation. Women who stay aren't stupid, they are hostages, and getting away from their captors isn't as easy as walking away. They have to finally find that strength within themselves to shut the door on their current life.

I truly hope that Rihanna will find her strength and shut the door on her life with Chris Brown. He did it once, he will do it again.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for this post. I have a friend in a similar situation. How do I help her get out of this relationship? Do I somehow force her to go into counseling? What is there that I can say that will help her find the courage? Please tell me what what was going through your mind when you kept taking your ex back. My friend is not financially dependent upon her boyfriend rather he is heavily mooching off of her. I presume it must be a self-esteem/self worth issue. What can I say or do to help my friend build her self-esteem. I am sorry for the rambling post I am just very confused as to what to do.

Cindi said...

The most important thing you can do is be her friend, to let her know you're there no matter what, that if she decides to leave you'll do what you can to help.

I'm not a psychologist so can't really go into all the dynamics in this situation. It's an individual thing. The abuser can make it seem that they can't live without you but then blame you for everything wrong. An abused person can feel they need to stay and care/change the abuser, that they won't have another relationship like this if they leave, that their lives would be on the line if they leave. It's a really really tough situation. It varies, guess I said that, heh. I wanted eh to quit drinking and thought if I just was there loving and caring for him he would stop. He finally came clean though by telling me he wouldn't stop. An abused person has to hit rock bottom to leave, sort of like a person with an addiction. Until they decide it's time to quit no one can make them.

I had my friends and family for support when I did leave and that meant everything to me!

Solace In Islam said...

Domestic abuse is a vicious problem. The aim of the abuser is to control the victim and make her feel like she needs him in her life.

People like that rarely change, but they break down their victims so quickly it is unreal and getting out of such a situation is so difficult.

I am so glad you came out of your abusive marriage!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your reply. I am trying my best to be there for her.