Cup of Blessings

I'm moving to wordpress.  Here's the link:  Cup of Blessings

I haven't been here for a few months!  I always think of things I want to write about but then get caught up in life and forget to sit down and type them.

I've been battling a really bad respiratory infection for a month and I'm physically exhausted.  I'm still trying to keep up with exercise but a couple of times have been down for the count!

Sooooo, some things that have happened or are happening.

I got myself worked up into a tizzy in late August.  The ex was here visiting the girls.  Out of the blue he asks me for their birth certificates.  I went on instant red alert!  I've been cautious about this for some time and I was worried he was trying to get them to take them out of the country.  He says  he needed it for the visa paperwork for his "fiance."  My gut reaction was bullshit!  I told him I would have to see where I stashed them.  After he left I looked into it and there isn't a need for him to have those documents.  He just needs proof of what he pays for child support.  Plus, he could get them himself but at a cost.  Cheap ass didn't want to pay for them.  I immediately put an alert on them if anyone tries to get a passport in their names.  It's still not enough for me.  I found out that he could walk into any Pakistani consulate and get them Pakistani passports!!  I confronted him about them not being necessary for her paperwork and his response was "oh, I was told I did." 

I don't for a minute think he wants to be responsible for them full time but I do believe that if his family pushed him to bring the kids there he couldn't say no to them.  Apparently his nephew, who is also American with Pakistani daddy is going there in January.  I think the sister-in-law who is the American is crazy for allowing this! 

The other thing I discovered was that even without passports or my permission he could get them on a plane and out of the country!!  Good luck getting them back then!  There is a petition going around to have a "no fly" list for children of mixed parentage to prevent that from happening.  I agree!!  If we can do that for terrorists or "people of interest" then we sure as hell can for these children.  I beg any of you reading this to go here:  Emily's Law and sign this petition.  I've relaxed some but still on guard for anything suspicious.  He said something about them going there for college if they want to be MD's as it's cheaper.  I said "hell to the no!"  If they want to go once they are adults that will be their decision but NOT as children.
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In other things.  Both girls have been having lots of respiratory illnesses and ear infections.  To the point I finally told my doctor that I wanted a referral to an allergist/immunologist.  I made the appointment today and November 8th they will go in for testing, etc.  I did some research and they fit the criteria for Primary Immunodeficiency which would help in knowing how to treat them!  I just want all the sickness to end!

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Watching recorded episodes of Family Jewels and though I think much of it is "put on" and Gene is a pig towards women there was a good one I saw from last night.  They attended a Marriage Bootcamp which looked really good!  Everyone that's getting married should have some of this.  If nothing else with troubled marriages even if the marriage is not saved the person can come away with a new understanding of themselves!

I've discovered something about myself that I don't like.  I have no patience with my kids.  I try, I count, put myself in time out.  But there are days I wonder how mom's spend all their time with their kids!  I kept both of mine in full time daycare through the summer.  I've had them home for 3 days straight and I'm at wit's end!! I was going to take them to the lake today but Layla is still sick with high temps and her vague complaints of a sore throat and ears.  Bleh.  We've blown bubbles, played in the wading pool, colored, played with the Wii.  They're still begging for more and I'm done.  Thinking I may pop open a bottle of wine and have a glass.

Some of you who know me really well, know about my "connection" to bears.  I have always had a fascination as well as an intense fear of these creatures.  Since childhood I have had bear dreams.  Usually that there is a bear and I'm in it's presence but I'm never hurt.  I was told once by an Anishinabe (Ojibwe) medicine man that this is my spirit sign.  Makes sense.

So lately I've been on this kick of reading bear stories.  Not the Three Bears.  Much worse.  It all started when I ordered a book I had read years ago while visiting Glacier Park.  'Night of the Grizzlies' by John Muir is about the deaths of two women in Glacier National Park in August 1967.  It was bad, a situation that should have been avoided.  So after reading this a coworker was talking about her same fascination with bears and recommended a book.  It was The Bear's Embrace by Patricia Von Tighem.

This book details the author's mauling by a grizzly while hiking with her husband and the ensuing years of multiple surgeries, infections and post tramatic stress disorder brought on by the attack.  A really sad story and I found out after that she eventually did commit suicide.  I could feel for her pain.

I've also finished another book 'Bear Attacks of the Twentieth Century' which reinforces my feelings that I should NEVER hike in grizzly country.

While grizzly attacks are more commonly known even worse, I think, is a black bear attack.  Often when a black bear does attack it is to kill, not just to disable like a grizzly.  Further reading states that while a sow with cubs should be given a wide berth, male lone black bears are more prone to attack and kill!  Climbing trees won't save you.

Got the chills, yet?  I plan to take my daughters camping in Itasca State Park this weekend.  It's where the headwaters to the Mississippi River are and it's a pretty cool place.  We have never camped and Aliyah has been begging me to go.  I was worried initially that they wouldn't like it once it got dark, now I'm wondering about myself!  I think I've freaked myself out with all this reading!  Ahhhhhhhh!

If you want a good rush read one or more of these books.

I've been obsessed with the Royal Wedding!  I was a follower of Princess Diana as well.  I'm a hopeless romantic! 

As I was watching I was thinking I wish that I could have had a marriage that lasted.  The wedding I had with this last ex was my fairy tale.  I was so in love with him and really thought he was the answer to all my prayers for someone who would love and care for me as much as I did them.  Our wedding was the ultimate in gooey romance.  The reality is that I got a pathological liar and cheater.  It hurts, a lot.  Then my kids asked me to show them our wedding pictures.  I did and made a point of telling them that I hoped they would be very careful with whom they married and that they be loved and cherished before they got married.

So while I'm enjoying all the pageantry and romance of William and Kate's marriage I'm also wishing that things were different for myself.  Makes me lonely.

I hope I don't spend the rest of my life alone.  I hope I never have to spend it with someone who doesn't respect me again.  It tore my heart to shreds and it's still not whole.  I would never let him have the satisfaction of knowing how bad he hurt me.

Here's my wedding picture:

It's officially Spring and I have Spring fever!  I love the bright sunny days!  I love seeing the snow melt and the grass appear again!  I've been out walking, still working at my shape.

The girls have had their bikes out riding around.  Aliyah got a big girl bike this year!  I snapped this pic of Layla out cruising on her trike she got for Christmas!

Reminding myself of my blessings.  There are many but sometimes get lost for everything else. 

Last Sunday I got the girls baptized.  I've wanted to really since they were born but of course couldn't when married.  The X doesn't do a thing to teach them anything about Islam.  I do, but frankly feel more comfortable and closer to God with Christianity.  To each their own.  I know Muslims that I think are also close to God.  It is wonderful that there are so many ways to find Him.  I pray they find their own way as they grow.  Already they know the importance of having God in their lives so guess I'm on the right track.

I'm trying to drop some more weight.  Been walking every chance I get, using the Wii for exercise as well.

Layla came through her surgery without any complications.  She was up and running around the next morning!  We have also conquered potty training.  No small feat with my stubborn little one!

But I see that there are still people reading this blog! 

Just feeling a bit sorry for myself, feeling a bit lonely.  Single parenting is not all it's cracked up to be.  I love my little tigers but there are times I need that other helping hand.

Aliyah has been sick.  Even though her strep test was negative she's now on antibiotics because she had all the symptoms.  Poor thing went back to school today but still isn't 100%.  She's sleeping on my legs right now.

Layla was started on oral antibiotics as well as her antibiotic ear drops.  She's had a runny nose, cough and low grade fever and I want her healthy for her surgery.

I'm feeling better energy-wise.  Just wish I had someone but won't at the expense of my sanity again. 

I've been on a bit of a break from blogging.  Not really by choice, just so busy with life, the holidays, my health.  I noticed that I was feeling very depressed and my anxiety was increasing.  Thought it was a post traumatic thing from all that happened with Layla.  When I went for my routine visit to my psychiatrist she checked my thyroid levels since it had been a year.  It was very low!  We increased that, I started taking my xanax again and slowly I'm feeling better.

I get so frustrated with the part of me that is still so reclusive.  I don't get out and see anyone and I know that visiting with friends would help.  It's work, shopping, church and that's it for outings it seems.  Today I touched base with a friend I've never met, lol.  It was so good to talk to her and even though we've only known each other from online it was like talking to someone I see regularily.  I love visiting with friends and wish I did more often.  She brought up a valid point that as single parents we are faced with most of the parenting on our own, the stressors of maintaining a household.  It's overwhelming at times and talking to other people really helps.  If you're one of my friends reading this, touch base with me.  Just because I don't doesn't mean I don't want to, just my reclusive self.

Layla has been fine since her injury.  We went back to the hospital the end of December to have a scan to check her coils.  The second set they put in to occlude the artery is intact and that all looks good.  The first set they put in, however, is infected and needs to come out.  This could be as "simple" as going through the ear drum to remove it or it could end up being a mastoidectomy which is much more involved.  The docs won't know until they get in there.  Surgery is Feb. 4th so we'll need some prayers going out about then.  Then sperm donor is coming to visit then as well.  Yippee (blech).

We had an awesome holiday!  I love living it through my childrens' eyes.  I went overboard with gifts but had so much fun getting them this year.  Unlike other years I think they really liked all that they got.

We added to our pet menagerie last week.  I got a black cat with long fur who is a complete lover!  He's so great with the kids, tolerates the other pets and he's up for snuggling anytime.  More of what I wanted in a cat.  Our first cat is part Siamese and is very aloof.  She tolerates Aliyah messing with her but avoids Layla and myself.  This new kitty doesn't act like that.

The new forum I hang out at, Chai Wives, had a thread that was in reference to the book 1-2-3 Magic.  It's a child discipline book and I was moved to get it.  I've only started reading it but already trying the counting on the kids.  It has been working for the most part.  We've had a couple of brutal time outs-many tears and screaming-but they got the message quickly that I was done messing around with them.  I was tired of all the tantrums, whining, hitting, etc that they were doing to me and to each other.  I'm hoping it will continue to be effective for all of us.  So much less stress this way!  I love my kids and want to enjoy them instead of dreading what will be in store for me.  This has helped so far.

I will try to keep this updated more.