Cup of Blessings

I spent the other day cleaning up posts in my blog.  I’ve reached a place where I don’t want the past up for the world to see.  I’ve been doing some internal sorting of things as well.

For some time now I’ve felt like there is something not right within me.  I feel angry and irritable frequently and without any cause.  I get mad talking about my ex-husband, thinking about him and pray that I can let that anger go and find some forgiveness.  I really want that forgiveness because I think it will bring me peace that I desperately need.  I need to let go of all the wrongs and pain that happened in our marriage.  So why is it so hard to find it?

I also find myself so short with the kids and let me tell you, I hate that worse than anything.  I keep thinking how I love having kids around and listening to them play.  I seem to be intolerant or irritated too often.  I try to control it and not let it loose but it happens.  I yell I lose my temper and it isn’t nice at all.  My kids also have that same short fuse so you can imagine how wonderful it can be when we’re all on a tear.  When I have lost my temper and it wasn’t something that I should have lost it over I do apologize and then find something nice we can do together.  I feel so guilty and like such failure as a parent when this happens. 

I’ve talked to my doctor and we have been tweaking meds.  I think I really need to find the source of this anger and discontent inside me and find a way to deal with it.

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My ex called yesterday as I was trying to feed the girls supper.  I assumed he wanted to chat with them but he kept trying to tell me about his new job.  I really didn’t want to know, I had the feeling from the moment he told me about it that it wasn’t the answer.  He proceeded to tell me that things weren’t as they seemed. 

He signed on with a placement agency before I had left Connecticut.  They were supposed to give him training for job readiness and to work on projects for corporations which could lead to employment with them.  Over 2 years and many phone interviews with nothing offered.  Then he got this temp. position.  I thought even though it was temporary that it was a foot in the door.  He had made it sound like he was working for the company that needed the project.  What it really was is going to this company which then contracts out to other companies.  They don’t have the final approval to do this project from the interested corporation yet so don’t know if there will even be work.  So he went to Pittsburg with no place to live and now not even sure he has a job.

I rolled my eyes to myself.  This is just so typical of him and his grand plans.