Cup of Blessings

Healing my wounds. I was sharing what had gone down last winter with my husband to one of my very good friends from childhood. For some reason I had never told her, guess I was to self absorbed. Or I thought possibly she had read my blog. As I was retelling the event I started thinking about how much of a pushover I am. Was I an idiot for staying and giving him a second chance? I don’t know. I do know that if it was only me I would have slammed the door in his face. But I have these beautiful little girls that need their daddy, and the thought of trying to make it on my own was overwhelming. But now? Now I think I could do it. I sort of am doing it. He’s not here and I have been so stress-free! My judgement is so impaired when it comes to my relationships with men. I always seem to end up in some sort of terrible situation and it ends so ugly. I’m so tired of that. My girls are managing and have adjusted much easier than I thought they would.

Yesterday we went to the fish house parade. It’s a crazy thing the town does each year, sort of celebrating winter. My girls have never been to a parade. Isn't’t that sad? My oldest was sitting in the stroller since the youngest wanted to be held. When candy was thrown her way she didn't’t know what to do. Then when I told her she should get up and grab it she was too shy to do it. Some of the ladies standing by us picked some up and gave it to her. She really liked it and I’m glad we went. Then we went into the coffee shop where my nephew was playing a gig with his group. McInnis’ Kitchen is the name of it, I’m hoping to get the video we took on You Tube, and will put it up here when and if I do. They play Celtic music, music of the Atlantic Maritime (Newfoundland, etc). I’m so proud of him and his music ability! He plays violin and I really admire his talent!

Some of you have commented that if I like going to church I should continue. I should try to clarify my stance on this. I went, mostly because there are people there I know and it's a good time to get to catch up with them. I was indifferent to the service. It didn't reach out and make me want to embrace full-on Christianity.

I recently read a magazine article with Kathie Lee Gifford, who I don't much care for, but she said something that really said what I feel. "Religion binds you. It's like being constipated. Faith breathes. It frees you to become everything you were meant to be." Amen to that! I honestly feel that God has spoken to these different religions to give everyone something that will help them worship God. My husband feels that the kids "have to be Muslim" no doubt from his ultra-religious father tod him he had to do/be. I don't like his approach. To keep peace in the household I won't take them to church except on a holiday like Easter or Christmas since it's part of my immediate family's tradition, just as we go to Masjid on the Eids.

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For those readers not on SSF (probably no one who's not, haha). The newest craziness from the inlaws! Back in September I noticed one of my baby's bottles missing. I looked around for it, figured I left it at daycare. Finally remembered to check there and didn't find it. We looked all over the house and I assumed it was under something or behind something. We packed everything in the moving truck and still no bottle.

I get this email from my SIL:

Dearest Cindi,Aliyah and Sweet little Layla,

We just got your video I wasn't on line for a couple of days because I was in Ct. with my sister she finally had her gladder bladder out. ? spelling.

We are so happy thank you it was great and i'm glad you are settling in. It's been rather lonely without the girls and you. Everyone is feeling a large amount of emotions.

? what I found Layla missing bottle it was in a bag of clothes Bhabhi had that you gave her for the kids in Pakistan. I just started laughing an crying at the same time. I know you had to do what you believe is best i just wished it could have been avoided.
Sikandar is really taking the separation hard.

I haven't spoken with fayaz he calls every other day, Badshah says he is depressed and we will proably see him on Friday his parents leave Saturday evening.
Please give my regards to your parents hoping your all well.

Any luck

finding work? How are Aliyah and Layla settiling in for you? Does Fayaz keep in touch?
If you need anything you know you can call me. We love you all very much and hope to see you all soon.

Thanks again for video that was awesome. I need to get updated with modern technology so we can send videos too.

Okaaaaaaaaay. That was my thought. So I wrote this back:

Can you send the bottle? That must have been really gross, hahaha. Wonder how it got in there, Layla no doubt.

And this was a response to my request:

The bottle Bhabhi washed and packed it in her bag she holds it and thinks of Layla and then starts to cry I am afraid to ask for it.
I showed them the video and they went from laughing about how cute it was to crying.

These are the weirest people I have ever met! WTH! I asked my husband about it, if he could tell his mother to give the bottle to SIL to mail to me. He just said she's probably keeping it because it belonged to Layla. Sick! I left it at that. It's not worth the energy of more drama and I won't rise to the bait.

Then today I decided to make a call there to tell them I would be thinking of them as they are leaving to go back to Pakistan. Baji answered the phone and we went through the usual niceties. Then he tells me that they worry about the kids here since it's so cold. I reassure him that we were dressing them warmly and that they were doing great. Then he starts in with the comments like "you're too far away to visit" and the clincher at the end "you need to move back closer to be with family". I was outwardly calm and just said "I'm where I need to be with MY family." I don't get why it is I'm supposed to be the one dropping my family, my way of life, where I want to live for them! I understand give and take in a marriage and I haven't had any from them. I try hard to be nice to them and I think that I've more than been that. I truly hope that if they come out here to visit I can handle a little more as I will have my own family to escape to if it's too much.

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I enrolled Aliyah in preschool today. The place is so nice! It's brand new, the room's are bright and colorful, the staff super nice! Best of all it's a fraction of what I paid in Connecticut. She starts on Monday. I'm waiting to start Layla there until I know what my schedule will be with work.

Strange that I had to come across the country and settle into a small town with a population of around 1800 to get a decent haircut for Aliyah! She's also modelling her new snow boots that she's so proud of, haha, she can't wait for snow!

There was a beautiful snowfall yesterday! It was those big fat lazy flakes drifting to the ground. I could have watched it all afternoon! Alas, I was driving to and from my job interview in it and didn't think to grab my phone and take a picture.

My interview went well. The hospital has undergone a major renovation and the nursing unit is beautiful!!! Looks like a really nice place to work! The position open is for 12 hour night shifts so not real pleased with that because of my girls but need to get my foot in the door.

Speaking of small things Layla is working very hard on walking. She comes crawling up to me, gives me a kiss, and grabs my fingers to use me for balance. I give her to the end of the month and she'll be walking by herself! She also cut her first tooth!

The church going idea has been nixed. My hubby really hated that I had taken them to church. Nevermind that we spent most of that time playing in the nursery. Of course Aliyah was excited that she got to play so she told her father "we went to church and stood up, sang, clapped (there was a christening), and played." Nothing I could say would convince him that I wasn't turning them into Christians. I won't repeat it.

I need to make some changes. I was spending some time tonight reading back posts from a blog that was mentioned over on SSF. It was this blog: http://nieniedialogues.com. This awesome woman, wife, mom was injured terribly in a plane crash in August. I'm reading this blog and thinking I'm such a whiner and loser. Here's someone who is living in the positives of her life, even things that were tough she seemed to make positive. I love it! I should aspire to be more like her! I pray she and her husband recover and get home to their kids soon!

I've been wallowing in my misery, wanting things to change and not doing much to make those changes. Yeah, yeah, I just moved across country. That didn't change what's INSIDE of me. I want my girls to grow up to be positive independent women and can't really expect that if I can't pull my own lazy ass up and do something. Now is the time.

I need to find more positives in my day. I need to take my girls out and do more with them. I need to re-embrace my spirituality. Brace yourself for this......I'm going to start attending church again. It's a really small town I'm in now, there is no masjid. I also find more strength from the teachings of my youth. It doesn't mean I abandon Islam, because I think I can have both. At least the way I see things. My kids need a religious foundation to grow on and if it ends up coming from a Lutheran church for now that's just fine with me.

I need to work on my physical self. My God have I become a obese flabby thing! I don't like what I see in the mirror. Everything bloated looking. And the lines around the eyes, oy! It ain't from laughter, yep they're frown lines. Damn!

I need to start writing down the things I'm looking for in a relationship to see if the hubby can provide any of them. If not, wow, then I'm going to have to deal with that.

Starting now, I'm going make changes. Small ones, big ones whatever the mood strikes me. I need to have more happiness and light in my life.

It's a strange experience.

After a grueling 2 1/2 day drive we made it to my parents' home. I'm relieved and exhausted. My oldest was such a good little traveler......barely complained, behaved herself. Couldn't ask for any more than that! The youngest was a different ball of wax, haha. She fussed, wanted to be held and joy of joys has a horrible cold! She passed the cold to me and now I think the oldest is getting sniffles too. The joys of the road. I love travelling and just wish we hadn't had such tight time constraints. Even the hubby enjoyed seeing some of the country!

We arrived here and unloaded the truck with the help of my nephew and my father. Easier than loading it, haha. It's strange to be "home." I know that my parents feel better being closer and hopefully I'll be able to nail that job and find my own place soon. The girls seem settled but giving it more time.

Hubby was in tears when he left. It was heartbreaking. I wish that things were different with us but only time will tell. I've told him we're here, we'll be in touch by phone and video chat. There are definitely issues that will be addressed between us. I feel emotionally neglected, can't have that anymore. He's certainly depressed and needs treatment for that of some sort. I need to raise my girls in a healthy environment and this is it. Without all the drama!

It's colder than hell here......went from 60s days ago to 20s. Piling on the layers!!!

I've had major problems with low back pain since I fell down a long flight of steps when I was pregnant with Aliyah. I had xrays then but they never told me what they saw if anything. Maybe then it was nothing. When we were getting ready to move into this house I really injured it trying to pick up a box. I went to my chiropractor then and he treated it, it got better. Until I was pregnant with Layla. I was treated by my chiropractor then as well. I assumed it was my sacroiliac joint and that it was just really unstable.

I've been getting treatment again for this pain for the past month with no relief which is really unusual. The chiropractor sent me for new xrays. Guess what? I have a stress fracture on one of my lumbar vertebrae and a condition known as spondylothesis. Great. The treatment is to avoid heavy activity, rest, no lifting. That's most of what I do working as a nurse. On my feet for 12 hour shifts, lifting people up in beds, sliding them onto stretchers and beds. This is really no good. He also said I have arthritic changes which means it will probably continue to be a problem for me.

Here's a pic of what's going on:

I seem to feel more pain now that I know there's a fracture, lol. Maybe my brain giving me permission to be injured. My husband the jerk said I would find any excuse to not do anything around the house. What a shit! He had a bulging disc and laid on the couch a couple weeks moaning, had to have his brother pick up our oldest from daycare, couldn't even handle cooking. Hmm, everything I'VE BEEN DOING with an effin broken bone!!!! Just more of his abuse. Can't wait til I can make my final move. Maybe I should shove this picture in front of his face or my xrays.

My broken toe is getting better, thankfully, been icing it like crazy.

I ordered a bike and one of those little trailer thingy's to put the kids in to pull behind the bike. It's at Walmart.....did a site to store option. I'll have to go get that today on my way to pick Aliyah up from daycare.

The inlaws are really wearing on me. Found flour on the handle to my fridge, crusted to the counter top. A plastic bowl in the cabinet with flour all over it----HELLO, did you think this looked clean? My bathroom they use (we have our own in the bedroom) has puddles of water on the floor, all around the sink.....WTF, does wudu have to be so messy? Wipe your mess up! The tub looked like sasquatch took a shower, clean the damn fur up, dude! MIL left a peeled banana on the dresser in the room she's using, it had turned brown and had fruit flies on it. It's just unbelievable! Praying they go to NJ soon!

Laughed my butt off at this commercial!

We went to an iftar that is a part of a masjid here---they don't actually have enough room in what they are using for the masjid so rent the gymnasium at the local Middle School. I made sure I stood at the end of the row for prayer so that my daughter could sit next to me. There are generally so many people at this thing that A. is completely overwhelmed so stays glued to my side. As usual tonight I'm doing the prayer and this girl that had to have been AT LEAST 5 years old runs by my daughter and whaps her in the back....I'm thinking okay maybe that's not what I saw, so keep praying and she does it again!! I glare at her, hardly prayer like behaviour and just why are kids this old running around while we are supposed to be praying? If they can't or don't want to pray they should at least sit there quietly until the rest finish. Nope, the little brat runs by and hits my daughter again this time in the back of her head so I whisper "NO MORE" and I didn't see her again. I tried to look around after prayer to see who she was with because that is just so unacceptable to act that way!!! Talk about un-Islamic!! Now I'm praying that what little bit of prayer I was actually able to concentrate on will be accepted because this little shit decided to be a bully and to my daughter who really was sitting there quietly. After the third hit she wanted to stand right in front of me and hang on to my top. I felt awful for her and hope that eventually she will find her own voice to tell crappy kids to stop treating her that way.

I better not see the little bugger tomorrow at Eid prayer or I will grab her and let her have an earful. Unbelieveable that so many kids are allowed to run crazy during a time when it should be quiet. If I EVER caught one of my kids treating another child that way they would really wish they hadn't even thought of it!!