Cup of Blessings

I'm moving

2011-12-05T14:00:00.000-06:00

I'm moving to wordpress. Here's the link: Cup of Blessings

2011-10-18T15:12:00.000-05:00

I haven't been here for a few months! I always think of things I want to write about but then get caught up in life and forget to sit down and type them.

I've been battling a really bad respiratory infection for a month and I'm physically exhausted. I'm still trying to keep up with exercise but a couple of times have been down for the count!

Sooooo, some things that have happened or are happening.

I got myself worked up into a tizzy in late August. The ex was here visiting the girls. Out of the blue he asks me for their birth certificates. I went on instant red alert! I've been cautious about this for some time and I was worried he was trying to get them to take them out of the country. He says he needed it for the visa paperwork for his "fiance." My gut reaction was bullshit! I told him I would have to see where I stashed them. After he left I looked into it and there isn't a need for him to have those documents. He just needs proof of what he pays for child support. Plus, he could get them himself but at a cost. Cheap ass didn't want to pay for them. I immediately put an alert on them if anyone tries to get a passport in their names. It's still not enough for me. I found out that he could walk into any Pakistani consulate and get them Pakistani passports!! I confronted him about them not being necessary for her paperwork and his response was "oh, I was told I did."

I don't for a minute think he wants to be responsible for them full time but I do believe that if his family pushed him to bring the kids there he couldn't say no to them. Apparently his nephew, who is also American with Pakistani daddy is going there in January. I think the sister-in-law who is the American is crazy for allowing this!

The other thing I discovered was that even without passports or my permission he could get them on a plane and out of the country!! Good luck getting them back then! There is a petition going around to have a "no fly" list for children of mixed parentage to prevent that from happening. I agree!! If we can do that for terrorists or "people of interest" then we sure as hell can for these children. I beg any of you reading this to go here: Emily's Law and sign this petition. I've relaxed some but still on guard for anything suspicious. He said something about them going there for college if they want to be MD's as it's cheaper. I said "hell to the no!" If they want to go once they are adults that will be their decision but NOT as children.
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In other things. Both girls have been having lots of respiratory illnesses and ear infections. To the point I finally told my doctor that I wanted a referral to an allergist/immunologist. I made the appointment today and November 8th they will go in for testing, etc. I did some research and they fit the criteria for Primary Immunodeficiency which would help in knowing how to treat them! I just want all the sickness to end!

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Watching recorded episodes of Family Jewels and though I think much of it is "put on" and Gene is a pig towards women there was a good one I saw from last night. They attended a Marriage Bootcamp which looked really good! Everyone that's getting married should have some of this. If nothing else with troubled marriages even if the marriage is not saved the person can come away with a new understanding of themselves!

Some ugly reality

2011-07-25T16:44:00.000-05:00

I've discovered something about myself that I don't like. I have no patience with my kids. I try, I count, put myself in time out. But there are days I wonder how mom's spend all their time with their kids! I kept both of mine in full time daycare through the summer. I've had them home for 3 days straight and I'm at wit's end!! I was going to take them to the lake today but Layla is still sick with high temps and her vague complaints of a sore throat and ears. Bleh. We've blown bubbles, played in the wading pool, colored, played with the Wii. They're still begging for more and I'm done. Thinking I may pop open a bottle of wine and have a glass.

Who's afraid of the big bad bear?

2011-06-10T00:28:00.000-05:00

Some of you who know me really well, know about my "connection" to bears. I have always had a fascination as well as an intense fear of these creatures. Since childhood I have had bear dreams. Usually that there is a bear and I'm in it's presence but I'm never hurt. I was told once by an Anishinabe (Ojibwe) medicine man that this is my spirit sign. Makes sense.

So lately I've been on this kick of reading bear stories. Not the Three Bears. Much worse. It all started when I ordered a book I had read years ago while visiting Glacier Park. 'Night of the Grizzlies' by John Muir is about the deaths of two women in Glacier National Park in August 1967. It was bad, a situation that should have been avoided. So after reading this a coworker was talking about her same fascination with bears and recommended a book. It was The Bear's Embrace by Patricia Von Tighem.

This book details the author's mauling by a grizzly while hiking with her husband and the ensuing years of multiple surgeries, infections and post tramatic stress disorder brought on by the attack. A really sad story and I found out after that she eventually did commit suicide. I could feel for her pain.

I've also finished another book 'Bear Attacks of the Twentieth Century' which reinforces my feelings that I should NEVER hike in grizzly country.

While grizzly attacks are more commonly known even worse, I think, is a black bear attack. Often when a black bear does attack it is to kill, not just to disable like a grizzly. Further reading states that while a sow with cubs should be given a wide berth, male lone black bears are more prone to attack and kill! Climbing trees won't save you.

Got the chills, yet? I plan to take my daughters camping in Itasca State Park this weekend. It's where the headwaters to the Mississippi River are and it's a pretty cool place. We have never camped and Aliyah has been begging me to go. I was worried initially that they wouldn't like it once it got dark, now I'm wondering about myself! I think I've freaked myself out with all this reading! Ahhhhhhhh!

If you want a good rush read one or more of these books.

Weddings

2011-04-30T13:51:00.000-05:00

I've been obsessed with the Royal Wedding! I was a follower of Princess Diana as well. I'm a hopeless romantic!

As I was watching I was thinking I wish that I could have had a marriage that lasted. The wedding I had with this last ex was my fairy tale. I was so in love with him and really thought he was the answer to all my prayers for someone who would love and care for me as much as I did them. Our wedding was the ultimate in gooey romance. The reality is that I got a pathological liar and cheater. It hurts, a lot. Then my kids asked me to show them our wedding pictures. I did and made a point of telling them that I hoped they would be very careful with whom they married and that they be loved and cherished before they got married.

So while I'm enjoying all the pageantry and romance of William and Kate's marriage I'm also wishing that things were different for myself. Makes me lonely.

I hope I don't spend the rest of my life alone. I hope I never have to spend it with someone who doesn't respect me again. It tore my heart to shreds and it's still not whole. I would never let him have the satisfaction of knowing how bad he hurt me.

Here's my wedding picture:

Spring

2011-03-28T14:35:00.000-05:00

It's officially Spring and I have Spring fever! I love the bright sunny days! I love seeing the snow melt and the grass appear again! I've been out walking, still working at my shape.

The girls have had their bikes out riding around. Aliyah got a big girl bike this year! I snapped this pic of Layla out cruising on her trike she got for Christmas!

Blessings

2011-02-19T11:23:00.000-06:00

Reminding myself of my blessings. There are many but sometimes get lost for everything else.

Last Sunday I got the girls baptized. I've wanted to really since they were born but of course couldn't when married. The X doesn't do a thing to teach them anything about Islam. I do, but frankly feel more comfortable and closer to God with Christianity. To each their own. I know Muslims that I think are also close to God. It is wonderful that there are so many ways to find Him. I pray they find their own way as they grow. Already they know the importance of having God in their lives so guess I'm on the right track.

I'm trying to drop some more weight. Been walking every chance I get, using the Wii for exercise as well.

Layla came through her surgery without any complications. She was up and running around the next morning! We have also conquered potty training. No small feat with my stubborn little one!

I'm Lonely

2011-01-26T19:27:00.000-06:00

But I see that there are still people reading this blog!

Just feeling a bit sorry for myself, feeling a bit lonely. Single parenting is not all it's cracked up to be. I love my little tigers but there are times I need that other helping hand.

Aliyah has been sick. Even though her strep test was negative she's now on antibiotics because she had all the symptoms. Poor thing went back to school today but still isn't 100%. She's sleeping on my legs right now.

Layla was started on oral antibiotics as well as her antibiotic ear drops. She's had a runny nose, cough and low grade fever and I want her healthy for her surgery.

I'm feeling better energy-wise. Just wish I had someone but won't at the expense of my sanity again.

Did you wonder what happened to me?

2011-01-17T18:13:00.000-06:00

I've been on a bit of a break from blogging. Not really by choice, just so busy with life, the holidays, my health. I noticed that I was feeling very depressed and my anxiety was increasing. Thought it was a post traumatic thing from all that happened with Layla. When I went for my routine visit to my psychiatrist she checked my thyroid levels since it had been a year. It was very low! We increased that, I started taking my xanax again and slowly I'm feeling better.

I get so frustrated with the part of me that is still so reclusive. I don't get out and see anyone and I know that visiting with friends would help. It's work, shopping, church and that's it for outings it seems. Today I touched base with a friend I've never met, lol. It was so good to talk to her and even though we've only known each other from online it was like talking to someone I see regularily. I love visiting with friends and wish I did more often. She brought up a valid point that as single parents we are faced with most of the parenting on our own, the stressors of maintaining a household. It's overwhelming at times and talking to other people really helps. If you're one of my friends reading this, touch base with me. Just because I don't doesn't mean I don't want to, just my reclusive self.

Layla has been fine since her injury. We went back to the hospital the end of December to have a scan to check her coils. The second set they put in to occlude the artery is intact and that all looks good. The first set they put in, however, is infected and needs to come out. This could be as "simple" as going through the ear drum to remove it or it could end up being a mastoidectomy which is much more involved. The docs won't know until they get in there. Surgery is Feb. 4th so we'll need some prayers going out about then. Then sperm donor is coming to visit then as well. Yippee (blech).

We had an awesome holiday! I love living it through my childrens' eyes. I went overboard with gifts but had so much fun getting them this year. Unlike other years I think they really liked all that they got.

We added to our pet menagerie last week. I got a black cat with long fur who is a complete lover! He's so great with the kids, tolerates the other pets and he's up for snuggling anytime. More of what I wanted in a cat. Our first cat is part Siamese and is very aloof. She tolerates Aliyah messing with her but avoids Layla and myself. This new kitty doesn't act like that.

The new forum I hang out at, Chai Wives, had a thread that was in reference to the book 1-2-3 Magic. It's a child discipline book and I was moved to get it. I've only started reading it but already trying the counting on the kids. It has been working for the most part. We've had a couple of brutal time outs-many tears and screaming-but they got the message quickly that I was done messing around with them. I was tired of all the tantrums, whining, hitting, etc that they were doing to me and to each other. I'm hoping it will continue to be effective for all of us. So much less stress this way! I love my kids and want to enjoy them instead of dreading what will be in store for me. This has helped so far.

I will try to keep this updated more.

My Fears Come to Life

2010-11-12T13:29:00.000-06:00

Monday I was woke up with a phone call that Layla had some blood on the cotton ball in her ear. I rushed over to get her and my father and I rushed her to the ER. On the way she started having a small trickle of blood from her ear. I was terrified that she was going to bleed out!! All that went through my mind is that the artery tore further. I have never been so scared in my life!

When we got to the ER the stupid wench at the registration desk didn't want to take us back immediately. I'm telling her that Layla is bleeding from her carotid artery that had been injured. She didn't seem to understand. I was ready to grab my badge out of my purse and go back anyways. She finally walked back to get a nurse. Funnily enough the ER doc thought we should have surgery take a look. Haha. The surgeon on call didn't even want to see her just said to ship her immediately. Yep, we got another helicopter ride! This time Layla was awake for it and thought it was great! She wanted to go again, lol.

The ENT and the neurosurgeons decided to just permanently occlude that artery so there would be no further chance of bleeding. The downside of this is that she was at a high risk of having a stroke because of the loss of circulation from that artery. I wanted to go ahead anyways. I would much rather have some deficit to deal with than the chance of her hemorrhaging and dying.

She came through the procedure with flying colors! No neurological problems, still Layla. We came home Thursday afternoon. However, now the poor baby has some GI bug and is vomiting. So now I'm trying to keep fluids in her. Sigh. Hopefully she will get through this soon!

Still Worrying

2010-11-06T18:52:00.000-05:00

And I can't stop! Every time Layla gets too wild with her play I find myself asking her to tone it down! She tripped over Aliyah today and fell and my heart nearly stopped! I'm so concerned about this coil coming loose and the bleeding starting again.

Here is a picture of a coil being used to block off an aneurysm:

Typically they also put a stent in the artery to hold the coil in as well. The neurosurgeon didn't want to do this because of her young age and the implications it could have for her down the road.

So what was done was that the doctor went through her femoral artery in her groin up to her internal carotid artery in her neck/ear out the hole of the artery into her ear then slowly backed up and placed these coils to block the hole.

Here is a simplified side view of the internal carotid in relationship to the rest of the head:

See where the internal carotid artery curves towards the front of the head? That's where it curves up and into the ear canal on Layla. It also gives you some idea of where the blood is supplied by that vessel. Pretty darn frightening!

She's back to her normal 3 yr old self and that makes it difficult. I want her to be normal but I also don't want her to get hurt! Discharge instructions from the doctor were to avoid activities that would dislodge the coil. WTH? I don't know what would do that but I guess they don't, either. This is treatment into uncharted territory in a way. She is one of five known cases in literature and apparently the others didn't need intervention or the artery was sacrificed.

So, loving that my Layla is back but worrying because of that, too.

We Are Home!

2010-11-03T14:51:00.000-05:00

We are home!

Last Wednesday Layla went to surgery to have the packing removed from her ear. She hemorrhaged again! She was rushed to Interventional Radiology for an emergent angiocath. She ended up having a coil placed in the cut to her artery to stop the bleeding. They had to pack her ear. She got another unit of blood. She was reintubated. Another visit to the PICU.

I was a mess! I was sobbing off and on all day and felt so alone! I had talked to my parents and my brother. I called Layla’s father and updated him. He was due to arrive that evening for a few days. So nice he could find time for his child in his life! I finally let one of my friends know what happened. She dropped everything to come and sit with me! Thank God for friends like her!

So once again I had to see my baby fight the sedation, fight the vent , mouth the word mama around the tube. It ripped me up inside. The father arrived, cried at her bedside them complained about his sleeping arrangements. I had a room at the Ronald McDonald House but I wanted one of us AT the hospital. I was exhausted from the previous 5 days.

She ended up being extubated and off the vent after 24 hours instead of 48. It was causing her more stress than letting her be awake.

Once she was awake then I was adamant that one of us stay with her. I asked him to do this that night again. I figured he hadn’t been there with her going through this as I had, that he could stay and give me a chance to get rest. He got mad!! He wanted to go see his friend who lives in Minneapolis and somehow that was more important to him. Still a selfish person! I just said that he had to stay and he did but was mad about it. After that, I didn’t ask him for anything else.

On Saturday my parents came down with Aliyah to visit. She knew her father was there and she didn’t want to come, she wanted to stay home. She was told she had to visit. It went well, Layla was so happy to see her big sister and just came alive! It was so good to see her acting like a kid instead of just sitting zoning out. Then, at supper, it was suggested we order pizza. My mom told me to order cheese for them instead of the usual pepperoni. I should have listened. So a cheese and a pepperoni pizza were ordered. I have fed the girls pork at home. It’s my decision, it’s my right to decide how to raise them. He signed off on that right when we got divorced. I have just never made an issue of it and have been careful to have a menu lined up when he visits that doesn’t include pork. Not hiding it from him but not going to slap him in the face with it, either. Of course then both girls wanted the pepperoni! I was tired and I was pissed at him and his bullshit so I just put the pepperoni on their plates. He got mad, threw his plate down and walked out of the room. Crap. I can understand how it took him by surprise and made him mad but really did he have to put on such a display? Aliyah asked what was wrong. I told her he was upset about something, not to worry about it. After my parents left with Aliyah to go home he read me the riot act! I told him that I would NOT get into an argument with him, I did NOT want to discuss it, I know how he feels about it and I didn’t care. He has no respect for me so I’m returning the favor, I have none for him! That really got him riled up. I once again said I didn’t want to argue about it, especially in front of Layla who needed, HELLO!, her parents there for her. She was what was most important.

I asked him if he stayed that night if he would let her sleep next to him. He said no. What the hell? This is the way she sleeps at home and what she wants now. I told him to go ahead and leave or go to hell that I would stay and give her comfort. Her comfort was what was most important, not my own or his! The jerk went back and slept at R.M.H. He left on Sunday and I was happy to see him go!

On Monday Layla returned to IR for another angiogram to make sure the coil they placed was intact. It was unchanged from the previous scan done during placement. She wouldn’t stay still after the angiogram, either! The recovery room nurse was holding her when they brought me back. It was amusing, she’s such a fierce little tiger. She stayed fairly quiet once we got back to the room. I got a movie for her to watch and we colored.

She was released yesterday to come home. We will have to go back in 4 weeks to have another angiogram but so far all is well. What a scary, scary situation to experience! I continue to pray that all goes well.

Standing Vigil

2010-10-24T07:07:00.000-05:00

I spent all day yesterday at Layla’s bedside. The poor little thing is resistant to any kind of sedating med they’ve tried. Apparently she was wild last night. Kept waking up and thrashing around. They changed her meds yet again and she STILL isn’t out like she should be!! I wish there was something to help her rest and forget all this is happening to her.

Today my other daughter, Aliyah, is coming to visit. It will be good to see her! She lost her first tooth Friday! I’m so bummed I wasn’t there! Her grandma is playing tooth fairy for me. So I sit here again today, keeping watch over my baby.

Layla Rides a Helicopter

2010-10-23T09:43:00.000-05:00

What a wild 24 hours I’ve had!!

Yesterday I took my 3 y.o. daughter to have her third, yes, THIRD set of tubes for her ears and a tonsillectomy in the hopes it would stop all her ear infections. Very routine, in and out the same day.

Until disaster struck. I had been waiting in her cubicle for awhile when the surgery coordinator came in to tell me that the ENT had hit a vessel in her ear and she had lost what was a great deal of blood for her. About 200ml. They started a blood transfusion and it was decided that the small rural hospital we were at was not enough. She needed to be airlifted to Minneapolis, 2 hours away by car. I’ve never been so devastated!! I flew with her, she was intubated, poor baby. She's been saying she wants to fly, how ironic it was this way. And she won't remember it........in fact when she was somewhat conscious last evening she shook her head 'no' when I told her she rode in a helicopter.

We got to University Children’s hospital and the docs did an angiogram. Turns out her carotid arteries, which supply our brain with blood, were curved into her middle ear which isn’t where they should be. The doctor had nicked this artery but luckily was centered enough to apply pressure and packing.

Layla will be intubated until at least Monday and will be in hospital until the end of the week. The doctor wants her to remain quiet and watch her for further bleeding. No further surgery needs to be done at this point.

It’s my feeling now that this artery bulging into her ear canal could have been one of the issues with her ear infections. Not sure how tubes may help in the future. Yes, she still could use them but it will be done here, at the U of Mn, where they can fix problems much quicker.

I sit here and I could be wallowing in self pity but seeing the other two very little ones in here in much worse condition humbles me. It reminds me to thank God for my blessings and that despite this very scary incident she is still a healthy little girl! Keep us in your prayers that everything else goes smoothly. I know my faith in God is getting me through this.

What Limits You?

2010-10-21T15:18:00.000-05:00

We all have limits, some more than others. Something that keeps us from fully living what we may be feeling. It can be religious/faith, weight, career, friendships, relationships, many things.

Had a fabulous coffee chat with Stacy! Wow! What ideas we bounced back and forth about this very thing. Not solving world problems mind you, just things that we wanted to change in ourselves. We have a great deal in common, more than we realized. There are things within that I’m frankly a chicken to let loose. Oh my God! What would other people think? I know I know I shouldn’t let that stop me. I should stay true to my desires. I did so good with my nutrition and wellness but have let myself be indifferent to it for too long. I know what I want to stand for but actually doing it? Scary!

Far too often I let others dictate how I live instead of living how I want to live. I made the choice to practice Christianity again but also still reading my Qu’ran. I can do both, it’s my choice. It doesn’t damn me, I don’t and won’t believe that. Yet I find myself cowering to express my faith. I love God, I believe that God is what controls all things, we just often ignore His guidance. My life becomes unbalanced. What an incredible God that can give us so many ways to learn His will! I want to embrace this openly instead of only within me. I’ve always felt awkward around others who are zealous about their religion and faith. I’m just as much so, just not openly.

I see others in troubled relationships and feel for them. I’ve been there. I want them to know that when they’re ready there are many of us there to support them in breaking free.

I love my career but it is not the end all of my life. I have a life away from work that is even more valuable for me. For some, they live to work and we need those people. For others, like myself, we don’t and we deserve just as much respect from employers as those that will put work first

I’ve reached a point where I just don’t have time or patience for trivial bullshit. There is more, so much more to life that will bring happiness and wellness. I may lose my motivation some days but I still want that end result.

Hopefully this doesn't sound too disjointed. Just had this all inside and had to get it down.

Need to Let Go

2010-10-19T19:47:00.000-05:00

I spent the other day cleaning up posts in my blog. I’ve reached a place where I don’t want the past up for the world to see. I’ve been doing some internal sorting of things as well.

For some time now I’ve felt like there is something not right within me. I feel angry and irritable frequently and without any cause. I get mad talking about my ex-husband, thinking about him and pray that I can let that anger go and find some forgiveness. I really want that forgiveness because I think it will bring me peace that I desperately need. I need to let go of all the wrongs and pain that happened in our marriage. So why is it so hard to find it?

I also find myself so short with the kids and let me tell you, I hate that worse than anything. I keep thinking how I love having kids around and listening to them play. I seem to be intolerant or irritated too often. I try to control it and not let it loose but it happens. I yell I lose my temper and it isn’t nice at all. My kids also have that same short fuse so you can imagine how wonderful it can be when we’re all on a tear. When I have lost my temper and it wasn’t something that I should have lost it over I do apologize and then find something nice we can do together. I feel so guilty and like such failure as a parent when this happens.

I’ve talked to my doctor and we have been tweaking meds. I think I really need to find the source of this anger and discontent inside me and find a way to deal with it.

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My ex called yesterday as I was trying to feed the girls supper. I assumed he wanted to chat with them but he kept trying to tell me about his new job. I really didn’t want to know, I had the feeling from the moment he told me about it that it wasn’t the answer. He proceeded to tell me that things weren’t as they seemed.

He signed on with a placement agency before I had left Connecticut. They were supposed to give him training for job readiness and to work on projects for corporations which could lead to employment with them. Over 2 years and many phone interviews with nothing offered. Then he got this temp. position. I thought even though it was temporary that it was a foot in the door. He had made it sound like he was working for the company that needed the project. What it really was is going to this company which then contracts out to other companies. They don’t have the final approval to do this project from the interested corporation yet so don’t know if there will even be work. So he went to Pittsburg with no place to live and now not even sure he has a job.

I rolled my eyes to myself. This is just so typical of him and his grand plans.

Peace through Education

2009-08-04T12:50:00.002-05:00

I've been going through the story of my marriage to a Pakistani and my own health crisis but I'm going to take a break from it with this post. I've just finished reading the book 'Three Cups of Tea' by Greg Mortenson and Oliver Relin. I'm full of admiration for Mortenson who took on the enormous task of seeing that young children, especially girls, got an education in rural Northern Pakistan, Afghanistan. There is no better gift than that of knowledge! My oldest daughter, Aliyah, and I are going to start saving our loose change to make a donation to his charity. Knowledge can never be taken from you and with it you have the power to change your life and those around you! One of the girls that was among the first students of one of the schools he built is studying medicine to help the people she grew up with.

Here's a link to his site: http://www.threecupsoftea.com/ go to the How to Help tab on the menu, it's got some helpful tips.

I urge you to read this book if you haven't already. It will move you!

If I Can Help Just One

2009-03-12T16:13:00.003-05:00

I've been impressed that so many talk shows are addressing the Chris/Rihanna situation and domestic violence. I don't think this is an optimistic post but if, by posting on this, I help just one person get away from abuse it will have been worth it.

I posted a few days ago about a few of my experiences in an abusive relationship. I escaped. I found the power I needed to make that step. It was not easy, never that. Even after I left I went through a period of such depression that it was over. I realize now that I felt powerless, I felt like I wouldn't be loved or have a man in my life. I didn't feel that I was worth being loved and treated with respect. I was able to go because I had good friends and my family to help me. If you are someone who is friends or family of an abused person know this: YOU CANNOT CONVINCE THEM TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP! THEY HAVE TO MAKE THE DECISION TO LEAVE ON THEIR OWN! You can be there, support them whatever their decision. That if they decide they want out you will help however you can. BE THEIR FRIEND, DO NOT WRITE THEM OFF!

It's not just having someone lay hands on you. It's mental anguish too. They are master manipulators. Nothing is their fault, it's all you. Then when you leave they convince you that they can't live without you. You want to believe the best in people, want to believe they will change. They try to isolate you by saying things like "if you loved me", "if you cared about me". They try to keep you from spending time with other people. You feel that if you just loved the person enough they would change, the abuse would stop. It won't work. The justice system, sadly, frequently doesn't protect abused people. Restraining orders are just a piece of paper........hopefully it discourages but if an abuser is determined to get to the victim they will find a way despite the piece of paper. It's difficult to prosecute. I'm not saying victims shouldn't use the justice system, just don't expect it to be the whole solution, find other ways to protect yourself in addition to this system.

I know also that my current husband was/is abusive too. It wasn't physical but emotional. He would cut me down frequently escalating to what he did last winter. I'm separated from him and we are both working on making our relationship more healthy. I still don't know how this is going to go. I'm taking things day by day, I have two girls to protect, to help them find the power I didn't have.

You need to, as a victim, hit rock bottom, it seems, before you get help or to leave. Like someone with a drug or alcohol addiction. I went to alanon meetings for awhile because I was with an alcoholic. I still look to those twelve steps now to try to keep my life balanced. I still lose my way frequently.

A coworker has a blog for women on the mend from these relationships.http://momsonthemend.blogspot.com/ She has a lot of info and stats on abusive relationships. She escaped her own nightmare and I have tremendous respect for her for finding the power to leave.

To those who are reading this, who are in this sort of relationship, if you want to leave there are a great deal of resources to help you. The first step is admiting that you are in trouble. The next step is to get counseling for yourself.

I'm writing this off the cuff so don't have a lot of resources for people. I'm watching Oprah's show on domestic violence and I'm sure she will have excellent resources for people.

I pray daily for those who are victims of abuse.

Not A Blessing

2009-03-06T16:52:00.004-06:00

I'm sitting here watching Oprah's Friday show where she has the table discussions with three other people. They briefly addressed the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident and the negative message being sent out to impressionable youth that it's "okay" to go back to an abuser. I listened while they read the police report/affidavit that was filed. It tore me from the present back to a Spring day 20 years ago. First, here's a copy of the affidavit: warning it's graphic.

http://www.nowpublic.com/culture/chris-brown-police-affidavit-reveals-rihanna-assault-details

The statement, excerpted below, indicates that Brown shoved Rihanna's head against the passenger door of his vehicle, punched her repeatedly in the face, and issued threatening remarks to her, including: "I'm going to beat the s--t out of you when we get home! You wait and see!'"

In addition, after Rihanna 'faked' a phone call to her assistant during the incident, in which she pretended to request the police to be called, Brown lashed out and said: "You just did the stupidest thing ever! Now I'm really going to kill you!"

Brown was driving a vehicle with Robyn F. as the front passenger on an unknown street in Los Angeles. Robyn F. picked up Brown's cellular phone and observed a three-page text message from a woman who Brown had a previous sexual relationship with.

"A verbal argument ensued and Brown pulled the vehicle over on an unknown street, reached over Robyn F. with his right hand, opened the car door and attempted to force her out. Brown was unable to force Robyn F. out of the vehicle because she was wearing a seat belt. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against he passenger window of the vehicle, causing an approximate one-inch raised circular contusion.

"Robyn F. turned to face Brown and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then drove away in the vehicle and continued to punch her in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand. The assault caused Robyn F.'s mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.

"Brown looked at Robyn F. and stated, 'I'm going to beat the s--t out of you when we get home! You wait and see!'"

The detective said she then used her cell phone to call her personal assistant, Jennifer Rosales, who did not answer.

"Robyn F. pretended to talk to her and stated, 'I'm on my way home. Make sure the police are there when I get there.'

"After Robyn F. faked the call, Brown looked at her and stated, 'You just did the stupidest thing ever! Now I'm really going to kill you!'

"Brown resumed punching Robyn F. and she interlocked her fingers behind her head and brought her elbows forward to protect her face. She then bent over at the waist, placing her elbows and face near her lap in [an] attempt to protect her face and head from the barrage of punches being levied upon her by Brown.

"Brown continued to punch Robyn F. on her left arm and hand, causing her to suffer a contusion on her left triceps that was approximately two inches in diameter and numerous contusions on her left hand.

"Robyn F. then attempted to send a text message to her other personal assistant, Melissa Ford. Brown snatched the cellular telephone out of her hand and threw it out of the window onto an unknown street.

"Brown continued driving and Robyn F. observed his cellular telephone sitting in his lap. She picked up the cellular telephone with her left hand and before she could make a call he placed her in a head lock with his right hand and continued to drive the vehicle with his left hand.

"Brown pulled Robyn F. close to him and bit her on her left ear. She was able to feel the vehicle swerving from right to left as Brown sped away. He stopped the vehicle in front of 333 North June Street and Robyn F. turned off the car, removed the key from the ignition and sat on it.

"Brown did not know what she did with the key and began punching her in the face and arms. He then placed her in a head lock positioning the front of her throat between his bicep and forearm. Brown began applying pressure to Robyn F.'s left and right carotid arteries, causing her to be unable to breathe and she began to lose consciousness.

"She reached up with her left hand and began attempting to gouge his eyes in an attempt to free herself. Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and then released her. While Brown continued to punch her, she turned around and placed her back against the passenger door. She brought her knees to her chest, placed her feet against Brown's body and began pushing him away. Brown continued to punch her on the legs and feet, causing several contusions.

"Robyn F. began screaming for help and Brown exited the vehicle and walked away. A resident in the neighborhood heard Robyn F.'s plea for help and called 911, causing a police response. An investigation was conducted and Robyn F. was issued a Domestic Violence Emergency Protective Order.

Well what I experienced was not nearing as bad as what Rihanna went through and it was the beginning of the end of my first marriage.

My ex-husband(referred to hereafter as eh) was/is an alcoholic and drug abuser. I loved him, or thought that I did, and even though we had awful drag down knock 'em around fights (he perforated my eardrum once)I stayed with him. This Spring day we had gone to the Northern part of the state to visit his father. It was getting late when we got there and he (eh)had been drinking beer all the way, it was a 2 1/2 hour trip. His father went to bed when the sun set and it had set. We were going to stay with his sister but when we got to her house she and her husband were gone. We waited around for awhile but then eh in his drunken stupidness demanded we go to see his father. No rationalizing with a drunk person. I thought if we got in the car and I drove around for awhile that he would pass out and I could get help later getting him in to his sister's house. He didn't pass out. He got mad, started hitting me yelling to take him to his father's. He slammed the car into park at which point I took the keys and threw them out the window. I saw where they went but he didn't. I got out of the car and started walking down the dirt road. He tackled me from behind and flipped me over. I couldn't get away. He sat on me, put his hands around my throat and began slamming my head into the dirt road while choking me. Only hearing a car coming stopped him. We both jumped up and when the car came around the corner the couple asked if we were having car trouble. We lied and said we had something blow out the window. I went and got the keys. I got in the car and went to his sister's which was about a half mile away. I left him to walk or do whatever the heck he wanted to. His sister was home by then and helped me inside and helped me clean up. I wasn't bruised on the face, never that. But I did have a concussion, should have seen a doctor, but didn't because I know that this sort of injury requires a report to the police. By the end of the weekend we had made up like we always did. I always took him back, wanted to believe that this time was different, that he would change. So young and so deep into denial.

Another time his sister was visiting us. She had become fed up with her husband and had come down to our house to get away for awhile. Same thing. We were drinking. He got drunk, then started acting like an ass. He was carrying on about something when I was trying to sleep so I got up and told him if he wouldn't go sleep somewhere else I would. He again pulled me down and was trying to choke me. I yelled for his sister to call the police. She did. I had enough red marks on my neck to get him arrested. He resisted and got a baton across his leg. Then the justice system being so great (read great sarcasm here) they called me the next day to tell me he had been released just as he was showing up at the door. I was so afraid he was gonna pound the crap out of me. He didn't. Long story short here is that I once again stayed with him. It wasn't until I was visiting his sister and my brother (they were married)that I found out I could get financial aid to return to school for my degree. I was an LPN at the time. I decided that it was time to make a decision. I wanted to do this, I still wanted eh but only if he could give up drinking. I went home, found him at one of his friend's house and laid it on the table. Come with me and quit drinking or we would get divorced. He said he wouldn't quit drinking. I went home, called a friend to come over as I packed all his things up and stuck them in the old beater VW van he had. I parked it at the end of the driveway. Forgot to say that I also had him give me the key to the house. He came back that night drunk as ever and wanted in. I told him to leave or I would call the police. He left. I was divorced withing 3 weeks.

I've seen him since then, several times. He hasn't changed in that he still drinks and does stupid things. I'm no longer in danger from him, though. I hurt so bad for women and children who are victims of abuse. It's an emotional battering as well as physical. You start to think that you aren't good enough, aren't smart enough. The abusers are so good at their manipulation. Women who stay aren't stupid, they are hostages, and getting away from their captors isn't as easy as walking away. They have to finally find that strength within themselves to shut the door on their current life.

I truly hope that Rihanna will find her strength and shut the door on her life with Chris Brown. He did it once, he will do it again.

Inspiration

2009-03-05T08:29:00.003-06:00

I've been drawn to a couple blogs since this past fall. The buttons are to the left of this page "I read Nie Nie" and her sister's blog "C Jane". I mention them because I dropped in to their blog this morning and, let me tell you, those women can really write! I was choked up by both their entries for today. Here's the links: http://blog.cjanerun.com/2009/03/eternal-rounds.html, http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/2009/03/no-request-is-to-extreme.html

They really inspire me, these ladies. Through their trials they remain positive and find the happiness in each day. I feel for CJane because I can remember thinking that I would never have the chance to have babies. Not that I was having fertility issues, more issues of a partner to have the babies with. Never the less I can understand that deep longing and the boundless joy to have that prayer answered.

With Stephanie's blog. Since she's returned after her accident I can feel her pain through her writing. I wonder if I could be as positive as she seems? I don't know. I couldn't imagine the type of pain she's going through and adjusting to such a huge difference in her life.

I wish the best for these two, who I don't even know except through their writing. They give me hope and the desire to find the goodness in my life. I often write about the bad I've experienced. So much that I am tempted to take down old posts and start new. But then they are a part of me, what I've experienced or felt.

Guess that's it for today. Didn't really have anything else to write about today. It's beautiful, the sun is shining, it was already 30 degrees at 8am. Gonna try to soak up the sunshine to give my vitamin D a boost that's badly needed.

What's it worth?

2009-01-19T06:15:00.000-06:00

What's it worth to you to get your 1 yr old to sleep through the night? To get your 4 yr old who's in the 10th percentile for weight, nibbles at a limited variety of foods to EAT when it's mealtime and snacktime? For me, I was willing to pay quite a bit to remove those major frustrations from my life!

First the sleeping problem. I wrote about getting through the problem on here. I just didn't know what to do. Then I found a site that gave me hope. It's 'The Baby Sleep Center' . For $37 I got her basic program. In about a week and a half I had Layla laying in her own crib going to sleep on her own. She wakes up very early, around 5:30-6:00 and it's not nice but I do get more sleep than I was getting prior to trying this.

The current issue is with Aliyah. She is just so skinny and won't eat much at meals or snacks, yet asks for things to eat throughout the day. She won't try new things very easily and mainly eats chicken, crackers, chips, rice, SODA (yikes). The last straw for me was that two days in a row she refused to eat at daycare AND IT WAS FOOD SHE LIKES!! My mom had found a site that seemed like what I needed. It was 'Food Sense' I haven't received the hard copy stuff but I did get a quick start guide I could download. Let me tell the first few days of this were hell. She can throw a tantrum to end all tantrums. I just stuck to the plan and it's working. She's not eating a lot but she is eating what's prepared for a snack or meal. One night supper for her was just cucumbers and carrots but that's what she took from what was on the table. My hope is that eventually she will at least try new foods. She started to whine this morning after eating a strip of Tacon and a couple spoonfuls of yogurt that she wanted crackers. I told her if she was hungry she could eat the rest of her yogurt, there would be nothing else coming from the kitchen. After a few minutes I noticed from the corner of my eye that she had picked up the yogurt and was eating a bit more. Can't make eye contact when she's like this.......if she sees us looking at her she screeches and won't do what she was doing.

I feel like I have so much more support where I am now. I also feel like I don't have to constantly worry that if some decision I make regarding the children is wrong that I'll be criticized as I was in the same house with my husband. I think the girls are thriving in this environment, too. They have definite limits set which are adhered to even when I'm not around unlike before when a certain caregiver *cough*hubbie*cough* let them do and eat whatever they wanted.

Hear my prayer

2009-01-09T12:18:00.000-06:00

My mom had breast cancer 12 years ago and had a mastectomy. After 5 years of tamoxifen she was pronounced cancer free at her yearly checks. Then this past spring a spot showed up on her lung. She had a CT scan and it was decided to recheck it in 6 months to see if it had grown. She had the CT scan before Christmas. It had increased slightly in size. Next step was a needle biopsy. We just found out Wednesday night that it was positive for the same kind of cancer as that found in her breast. She's working on a referral to the University of Minnesota Cancer Center to plan the next steps. At the very least a wedge resection of her lung or lobectomy. Then she will have to be on medications to suppress the cancer for the rest of her life. I'm praying really hard right now that the rest of her life will be a really long time and that it will be spent cancer free after this. I can't begin to explain just how close I am to my mother. We're best friends and I've really had a lot of support from her, especially now. My father would be devastated if he lost her, we all would. I'm asking that everyone keep her in your prayers. The power of prayer is incredible, it's brought me through some of the most difficult times of my life!

So God I know You're listening. Help me and my family get through this, to find strength and courage to face it and the uncertain future it holds.

And there was peace and quiet

2008-12-16T20:34:00.002-06:00

The joy of finally getting your child to lay down and go to sleep on her own? Priceless. Yep, 8:30 and I just kissed my littlest angel good night laid her down, covered her with her blankie, and it's quiet! Shhhhhh! I'm doing a very quiet happy dance right now!!!

She took her first couple steps without hanging on yesterday! Sigh. My baby is growing up!!

The Weather Outside is Frightful

2008-12-14T09:46:00.007-06:00

But these two are so delightful! There is a Christmas Cantata at the church my parents attend so I decided to dress the girls up in their Christmasy dresses for it. Oh yes, we are also in the midst of a good winter storm! It's snowing like crazy outside! The pic I've posted here doesn't do it justice! Lovin' it!!

Aliyah was willing to sit and pose, Layla not so much. And don't be freaked out by the cat's glowing eyes, haha.

Battle of Bedtime

2008-12-06T14:42:00.001-06:00

Sick of hearing about this yet? Join me in my pain, haha. Wellllll, we went 45 min. Thursday night. She slept thru the night and I woke up at 7:30 am thinking WTH?. She napped but only if she was held the little demon. Then yesterday she went 45 min. again but I put her down too early so she did wake up wayyyyy too early. I also got her to nap for a short time after letting her cry. Tonight I made her wait until 7:15. She's still screaming but it's still early. I just wish we would get to a shorter time frame for the screaming. Aliyah keeps asking me why I let Layla cry? Oh, poor girl! Must stink for her, too!

I went and peeked through the small crack in the door all these nights when she's quit crying and she's sitting in the crib, just sitting. I feel so awful, like she's still trying to figure out what the heck happened.

Hoping this ends soon!

Bedtime Round 2

2008-12-03T20:18:00.003-06:00

It's the second night of the new sleeping plan for this household. I wasn't cut out for this part of parenting. I started earlier tonight which is something. I went online and researched the different methods to get baby to sleep on their own.

I started at 6pm per instructions, dressed her in her pj's, made an attempt at reading a book, snuggled a bit and put her down. Then the screaming began! It lasted an hour and a half! At one point had to pick her up and change her diaper because she had pooped. Nice try little girl! But, she went to sleep. Yep, 7:30 and she was down. Then I worked on the older one. Read her the favorite bedtime book and she was down by 8:15! I rock! I'm so friggin' tired I'm for bed next, haha.

It was a long day today. Layla was so clingy and she would fall asleep in my lap, but when I put her in her crib she woke up right away. I tried around 11 am to let her fuss it out but just gave up and laid her on my bed while I did some reading. She slept 20 minutes. Then back to clinging. I went between feeling like a total loser of a mom to getting irritated by the whole thing. I'm glad, however, that I read the articles I read and gave it another try tonight. I just need to get these two angels squared away for bedtime before I start working night shifts. I can't dump restless kids on my parents. I'm just so grateful they are willing and able to help short term like this. I'm also hoping that eventually I'll get back on day shift.

Desperately Seeking Sleep

2008-12-02T18:53:00.001-06:00

I so am wishing for it right now! For Layla. It's been an hour of nonstop crying---it's 11:15 pm. It's pure hell!

Aliyah still sleeps with us but she's a snap to get to sleep at night. Layla is just the opposite. Plus the poor lil' thing is cutting multiple teeth right now. She's become worse and worse about going to sleep at night and then waking frequently at night. I can't take it anymore and it's not going to work once I start work. So holding my breath I put her in the crib kissed her good night and let the fun begin. I'm saying lots and lots of prayers that she will lay down and go to sleep!

This parenthood thing really stinks sometimes.

If this is successful the next step is to get Aliyah into her own bed. Keep putting it off and right now haven't pushed since it's just her and myself.

Shhhhhh! Things are getting quieter, little hoarse sounding whimpers and fussing. Please baby go to sleep!

11:30pm and all's quiet in the other bedroom! I wanna go peek and make sure she's covered but don't dare. I just know it would wake her up. Prayers answered!! G'night all! I'm exhausted and need to go to sleep too!

Healing Wounds

2008-11-29T06:59:00.000-06:00

Healing my wounds. I was sharing what had gone down last winter with my husband to one of my very good friends from childhood. For some reason I had never told her, guess I was to self absorbed. Or I thought possibly she had read my blog. As I was retelling the event I started thinking about how much of a pushover I am. Was I an idiot for staying and giving him a second chance? I don’t know. I do know that if it was only me I would have slammed the door in his face. But I have these beautiful little girls that need their daddy, and the thought of trying to make it on my own was overwhelming. But now? Now I think I could do it. I sort of am doing it. He’s not here and I have been so stress-free! My judgement is so impaired when it comes to my relationships with men. I always seem to end up in some sort of terrible situation and it ends so ugly. I’m so tired of that. My girls are managing and have adjusted much easier than I thought they would.

Yesterday we went to the fish house parade. It’s a crazy thing the town does each year, sort of celebrating winter. My girls have never been to a parade. Isn't’t that sad? My oldest was sitting in the stroller since the youngest wanted to be held. When candy was thrown her way she didn't’t know what to do. Then when I told her she should get up and grab it she was too shy to do it. Some of the ladies standing by us picked some up and gave it to her. She really liked it and I’m glad we went. Then we went into the coffee shop where my nephew was playing a gig with his group. McInnis’ Kitchen is the name of it, I’m hoping to get the video we took on You Tube, and will put it up here when and if I do. They play Celtic music, music of the Atlantic Maritime (Newfoundland, etc). I’m so proud of him and his music ability! He plays violin and I really admire his talent!

Follow-up

2008-11-20T17:15:00.004-06:00

Some of you have commented that if I like going to church I should continue. I should try to clarify my stance on this. I went, mostly because there are people there I know and it's a good time to get to catch up with them. I was indifferent to the service. It didn't reach out and make me want to embrace full-on Christianity.

I recently read a magazine article with Kathie Lee Gifford, who I don't much care for, but she said something that really said what I feel. "Religion binds you. It's like being constipated. Faith breathes. It frees you to become everything you were meant to be." Amen to that! I honestly feel that God has spoken to these different religions to give everyone something that will help them worship God. My husband feels that the kids "have to be Muslim" no doubt from his ultra-religious father tod him he had to do/be. I don't like his approach. To keep peace in the household I won't take them to church except on a holiday like Easter or Christmas since it's part of my immediate family's tradition, just as we go to Masjid on the Eids.

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For those readers not on SSF (probably no one who's not, haha). The newest craziness from the inlaws! Back in September I noticed one of my baby's bottles missing. I looked around for it, figured I left it at daycare. Finally remembered to check there and didn't find it. We looked all over the house and I assumed it was under something or behind something. We packed everything in the moving truck and still no bottle.

I get this email from my SIL:

Dearest Cindi,Aliyah and Sweet little Layla,

We just got your video I wasn't on line for a couple of days because I was in Ct. with my sister she finally had her gladder bladder out. ? spelling.

We are so happy thank you it was great and i'm glad you are settling in. It's been rather lonely without the girls and you. Everyone is feeling a large amount of emotions.

? what I found Layla missing bottle it was in a bag of clothes Bhabhi had that you gave her for the kids in Pakistan. I just started laughing an crying at the same time. I know you had to do what you believe is best i just wished it could have been avoided.
Sikandar is really taking the separation hard.

I haven't spoken with fayaz he calls every other day, Badshah says he is depressed and we will proably see him on Friday his parents leave Saturday evening.
Please give my regards to your parents hoping your all well.

Any luck

finding work? How are Aliyah and Layla settiling in for you? Does Fayaz keep in touch?
If you need anything you know you can call me. We love you all very much and hope to see you all soon.

Thanks again for video that was awesome. I need to get updated with modern technology so we can send videos too.

Okaaaaaaaaay. That was my thought. So I wrote this back:

Can you send the bottle? That must have been really gross, hahaha. Wonder how it got in there, Layla no doubt.

And this was a response to my request:

The bottle Bhabhi washed and packed it in her bag she holds it and thinks of Layla and then starts to cry I am afraid to ask for it.
I showed them the video and they went from laughing about how cute it was to crying.

These are the weirest people I have ever met! WTH! I asked my husband about it, if he could tell his mother to give the bottle to SIL to mail to me. He just said she's probably keeping it because it belonged to Layla. Sick! I left it at that. It's not worth the energy of more drama and I won't rise to the bait.

Then today I decided to make a call there to tell them I would be thinking of them as they are leaving to go back to Pakistan. Baji answered the phone and we went through the usual niceties. Then he tells me that they worry about the kids here since it's so cold. I reassure him that we were dressing them warmly and that they were doing great. Then he starts in with the comments like "you're too far away to visit" and the clincher at the end "you need to move back closer to be with family". I was outwardly calm and just said "I'm where I need to be with MY family." I don't get why it is I'm supposed to be the one dropping my family, my way of life, where I want to live for them! I understand give and take in a marriage and I haven't had any from them. I try hard to be nice to them and I think that I've more than been that. I truly hope that if they come out here to visit I can handle a little more as I will have my own family to escape to if it's too much.

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I enrolled Aliyah in preschool today. The place is so nice! It's brand new, the room's are bright and colorful, the staff super nice! Best of all it's a fraction of what I paid in Connecticut. She starts on Monday. I'm waiting to start Layla there until I know what my schedule will be with work.

Good things come in small packages

2008-11-18T13:02:00.005-06:00

Strange that I had to come across the country and settle into a small town with a population of around 1800 to get a decent haircut for Aliyah! She's also modelling her new snow boots that she's so proud of, haha, she can't wait for snow!

There was a beautiful snowfall yesterday! It was those big fat lazy flakes drifting to the ground. I could have watched it all afternoon! Alas, I was driving to and from my job interview in it and didn't think to grab my phone and take a picture.

My interview went well. The hospital has undergone a major renovation and the nursing unit is beautiful!!! Looks like a really nice place to work! The position open is for 12 hour night shifts so not real pleased with that because of my girls but need to get my foot in the door.

Speaking of small things Layla is working very hard on walking. She comes crawling up to me, gives me a kiss, and grabs my fingers to use me for balance. I give her to the end of the month and she'll be walking by herself! She also cut her first tooth!

The church going idea has been nixed. My hubby really hated that I had taken them to church. Nevermind that we spent most of that time playing in the nursery. Of course Aliyah was excited that she got to play so she told her father "we went to church and stood up, sang, clapped (there was a christening), and played." Nothing I could say would convince him that I wasn't turning them into Christians. I won't repeat it.

Humbling

2008-11-13T22:55:00.003-06:00

I need to make some changes. I was spending some time tonight reading back posts from a blog that was mentioned over on SSF. It was this blog: http://nieniedialogues.com. This awesome woman, wife, mom was injured terribly in a plane crash in August. I'm reading this blog and thinking I'm such a whiner and loser. Here's someone who is living in the positives of her life, even things that were tough she seemed to make positive. I love it! I should aspire to be more like her! I pray she and her husband recover and get home to their kids soon!

I've been wallowing in my misery, wanting things to change and not doing much to make those changes. Yeah, yeah, I just moved across country. That didn't change what's INSIDE of me. I want my girls to grow up to be positive independent women and can't really expect that if I can't pull my own lazy ass up and do something. Now is the time.

I need to find more positives in my day. I need to take my girls out and do more with them. I need to re-embrace my spirituality. Brace yourself for this......I'm going to start attending church again. It's a really small town I'm in now, there is no masjid. I also find more strength from the teachings of my youth. It doesn't mean I abandon Islam, because I think I can have both. At least the way I see things. My kids need a religious foundation to grow on and if it ends up coming from a Lutheran church for now that's just fine with me.

I need to work on my physical self. My God have I become a obese flabby thing! I don't like what I see in the mirror. Everything bloated looking. And the lines around the eyes, oy! It ain't from laughter, yep they're frown lines. Damn!

I need to start writing down the things I'm looking for in a relationship to see if the hubby can provide any of them. If not, wow, then I'm going to have to deal with that.

Starting now, I'm going make changes. Small ones, big ones whatever the mood strikes me. I need to have more happiness and light in my life.

Coming Home

2008-11-11T10:56:00.002-06:00

It's a strange experience.

After a grueling 2 1/2 day drive we made it to my parents' home. I'm relieved and exhausted. My oldest was such a good little traveler......barely complained, behaved herself. Couldn't ask for any more than that! The youngest was a different ball of wax, haha. She fussed, wanted to be held and joy of joys has a horrible cold! She passed the cold to me and now I think the oldest is getting sniffles too. The joys of the road. I love travelling and just wish we hadn't had such tight time constraints. Even the hubby enjoyed seeing some of the country!

We arrived here and unloaded the truck with the help of my nephew and my father. Easier than loading it, haha. It's strange to be "home." I know that my parents feel better being closer and hopefully I'll be able to nail that job and find my own place soon. The girls seem settled but giving it more time.

Hubby was in tears when he left. It was heartbreaking. I wish that things were different with us but only time will tell. I've told him we're here, we'll be in touch by phone and video chat. There are definitely issues that will be addressed between us. I feel emotionally neglected, can't have that anymore. He's certainly depressed and needs treatment for that of some sort. I need to raise my girls in a healthy environment and this is it. Without all the drama!

It's colder than hell here......went from 60s days ago to 20s. Piling on the layers!!!

My back

2008-09-17T02:08:00.000-05:00

I've had major problems with low back pain since I fell down a long flight of steps when I was pregnant with Aliyah. I had xrays then but they never told me what they saw if anything. Maybe then it was nothing. When we were getting ready to move into this house I really injured it trying to pick up a box. I went to my chiropractor then and he treated it, it got better. Until I was pregnant with Layla. I was treated by my chiropractor then as well. I assumed it was my sacroiliac joint and that it was just really unstable.

I've been getting treatment again for this pain for the past month with no relief which is really unusual. The chiropractor sent me for new xrays. Guess what? I have a stress fracture on one of my lumbar vertebrae and a condition known as spondylothesis. Great. The treatment is to avoid heavy activity, rest, no lifting. That's most of what I do working as a nurse. On my feet for 12 hour shifts, lifting people up in beds, sliding them onto stretchers and beds. This is really no good. He also said I have arthritic changes which means it will probably continue to be a problem for me.

Here's a pic of what's going on:

I seem to feel more pain now that I know there's a fracture, lol. Maybe my brain giving me permission to be injured. My husband the jerk said I would find any excuse to not do anything around the house. What a shit! He had a bulging disc and laid on the couch a couple weeks moaning, had to have his brother pick up our oldest from daycare, couldn't even handle cooking. Hmm, everything I'VE BEEN DOING with an effin broken bone!!!! Just more of his abuse. Can't wait til I can make my final move. Maybe I should shove this picture in front of his face or my xrays.

My broken toe is getting better, thankfully, been icing it like crazy.

I ordered a bike and one of those little trailer thingy's to put the kids in to pull behind the bike. It's at Walmart.....did a site to store option. I'll have to go get that today on my way to pick Aliyah up from daycare.

The inlaws are really wearing on me. Found flour on the handle to my fridge, crusted to the counter top. A plastic bowl in the cabinet with flour all over it----HELLO, did you think this looked clean? My bathroom they use (we have our own in the bedroom) has puddles of water on the floor, all around the sink.....WTF, does wudu have to be so messy? Wipe your mess up! The tub looked like sasquatch took a shower, clean the damn fur up, dude! MIL left a peeled banana on the dresser in the room she's using, it had turned brown and had fruit flies on it. It's just unbelievable! Praying they go to NJ soon!

New Commercial

2008-01-28T07:51:00.000-06:00

Laughed my butt off at this commercial!

Hey Lady Control Your Child

2006-10-22T23:41:00.000-05:00

We went to an iftar that is a part of a masjid here---they don't actually have enough room in what they are using for the masjid so rent the gymnasium at the local Middle School. I made sure I stood at the end of the row for prayer so that my daughter could sit next to me. There are generally so many people at this thing that A. is completely overwhelmed so stays glued to my side. As usual tonight I'm doing the prayer and this girl that had to have been AT LEAST 5 years old runs by my daughter and whaps her in the back....I'm thinking okay maybe that's not what I saw, so keep praying and she does it again!! I glare at her, hardly prayer like behaviour and just why are kids this old running around while we are supposed to be praying? If they can't or don't want to pray they should at least sit there quietly until the rest finish. Nope, the little brat runs by and hits my daughter again this time in the back of her head so I whisper "NO MORE" and I didn't see her again. I tried to look around after prayer to see who she was with because that is just so unacceptable to act that way!!! Talk about un-Islamic!! Now I'm praying that what little bit of prayer I was actually able to concentrate on will be accepted because this little shit decided to be a bully and to my daughter who really was sitting there quietly. After the third hit she wanted to stand right in front of me and hang on to my top. I felt awful for her and hope that eventually she will find her own voice to tell crappy kids to stop treating her that way.

I better not see the little bugger tomorrow at Eid prayer or I will grab her and let her have an earful. Unbelieveable that so many kids are allowed to run crazy during a time when it should be quiet. If I EVER caught one of my kids treating another child that way they would really wish they hadn't even thought of it!!